


sanguisuge

by mezzosaka



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild canon divergence, Religious Conflict, Religious commentary, kaoru's father is a priest, more tags will be added as they become necessary, there's a secret band of vampires in yumenosaki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-09 03:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14708186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mezzosaka/pseuds/mezzosaka
Summary: Kaoru used to like Marine Biology Club. He liked it when it was just looking at fish and not doing much else. He liked sitting in the quiet classroom surrounded by the glow of the classroom.  It reminded him of when God was good, when he and his mother visited the aquarium on quiet Sunday afternoons and watched the fish swim.But then he started to hate it. Because he started to like a certain member.And that was sinful and wrong and there wasn't any way it could get worse.Unless Rei was right when he said there was a band of vampires crawling the halls of Yumenosaki.





	1. A Prelude to Neurosis

**Author's Note:**

> hi guys!!!!! i'm trying to write a chapter fic for the first time ever!!! i've had variations of this idea floating around in my head for a very long time now, and i'm glad to finally put pen to paper!!!! i'm hoping for this to be a good summer project, but maybe i'll finish it early and be able to have TWO summer projects?????? i don't know! i don't wanna get ahead of myself
> 
> i'll make a playlist for this eventually, just trust me on this one

Walk in. Sign of the cross. Greet. Sit down. Pray.  Stand up. Sing. Sit down. Pray. Listen.

Listen.

Listen.

Pray. Stand up. Bid goodbyes. Sign of the cross. Leave.

Sin. Sin. Sin.

Kaoru dug his nails into his thigh. He really shouldn’t be thinking so far ahead during a sermon. He really shouldn’t be thinking too much at _all_ . Absentmindedness is a sin—or at least Kaoru thought it was, anyway. Or maybe it was that absentmindedness _led_ to sin. Either way, there was something sinful about Kaoru, and he couldn’t let it show on his face while his father was preaching. He couldn’t let it show with his brother sitting next to him or with the biggest gossip in town on the other side of him.

Kaoru breathed in. He breathed out. As long as he kept control, he would be fine. That’s all religion was. Controlling yourself. That’s all. You control yourself so you don’t sin, and you don’t sin so you don’t have to confess your deepest sins to your father in confessional. Or, if your father isn’t the biggest priest in town, you don’t sin so you can go to Heaven.

If it even exists. Kaoru doesn’t even know if Heaven _exists_ , and here he is following as many rules as he can. In church, at least. And maybe if he followed the rules outside of church, he would have a better life. Or maybe if a god existed, Kaoru would have a better life.

God used to exist. God was generous and loving and caring until Kaoru’s mother died. God was warm and safe until she died, and then God became all about fear. The heart of love is fear. The heart of love is fear. The heart of love is fear. Kaoru needed to _fear_ God before he could feel loved again. His father was very good at teaching him that. Kaoru was afraid of his father even before his mother died. He always had a temper, and he always had Kaoru wondering whether or not he would get to eat tonight.

_Suffer. God wants His followers to_ suffer _for him, Kaoru. You must suffer before you can feel God’s wholeness. You will not eat until God sees you as worthy. God wants you to clean the house, Kaoru. Fold the laundry. Scrub the dishes. Do your homework. Go to sleep. God will feed you tomorrow, Kaoru. You must suffer. Amen._

Amen.

Kaoru felt a sharp elbow jab his side. His brother gave him a dirty look and pulled him up by the arm. Right. Communion. Kaoru nearly forgot that it wasn’t safe to zone out until after communion.

“Are you okay, Kaoru?” the gossip asked creakily.

“I’m feeling a little under the weather,” Kaoru lied, although lying was a sin. He smiled. Maybe if God saw him smile, He would forget about the lie.

“Sweet pea, if I could bring communion to you, I would.” The gossip smiled, taking Kaoru’s arms as they walked down the aisle. “Just hold on to me.”

And Kaoru grinned and beared it, because he felt that maybe he was holding on to this lady because _she_ was afraid she might fall over. It was easy making conversation. She talked Kaoru’s ear off about the first half of the sermon, and Kaoru tried to follow and bullshitted when she asked him how he felt.

Kaoru sighed when he sat down. He didn’t know if he and God were getting along too well. He didn’t know if they ever would.

“Absentmindedness breeds lust—possibly the worst sin of them all,” Kaoru’s father said, jarring Kaoru into listening.

His father was always one step ahead of him, and it made him feel like maybe his father could read minds. After all, he was just thinking about… about…

“Lust is baseless. Lust is just for earthly desires and nothing more.” Kaoru’s father stared down his nose at the congregation. Kaoru wondered how many cheating spouses were sitting up straight now. How many of them are sweating, planning their sneaky journey to the confessional booth before their partners noticed. “You only indulge in yourself when you are lustful. God spoke it:  For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every evil thing. Lust brings chaos. Lust brings evil. Men, steer clear of ungodly women. Women, steer clear of ungodly men.”

Kaoru shifted uncomfortably. He was just starting to come to terms that he’d have to steer clear of _both_ , because no matter how much he tried to be godly, he couldn’t just think about women. He liked women, he _loved_ women, but when Kaoru really needed to feel satisfied he almost always imagined himself with a guy. With his friends, sometimes. With celebrities. With faceless men that had gentle touches and treated him right. And he felt good during and a little bit after, but sitting in church every other day had him burning in guilt, and he always felt the eyes of God boring into him for weeks after each time.

He felt the eyes of God boring into him _now_. He felt like every eye in the church was trained on him, burning holes into his skin. Just for thinking about how he maybe liked guys. Maybe. Because he was surrounded by beautiful men all day at school. It was their job to be beautiful. Maybe that was it—maybe Kaoru didn’t like guys after all. Maybe everyone was just doing their job perfectly, and that’s why he felt like that.

“Let us pray.”

Kaoru bowed his head almost too fast, clasped his hands almost too tight, murmured “amen” almost too loud. He stood when everyone else did and tried his best to get to the side of the church without looking like he had an urgent need to be there. He took a slip of paper and a miniscule wooden pencil and scribbled out what he needed to before folding it up and dropping it into the prayer box. Maybe God would help him. If God was even real. But God had to be real if Kaoru felt so _guilty_ about himself that he needed the congregation to pray for him to change. God must be cruel. He must hate Kaoru specifically to make him go through such a trial.

Kaoru held the door open as people left. He told everyone to have blessed days and to come back whenever they needed to, and he was extra nice to the women and a little cold to the men, and he was praying that his father didn’t notice how weird he acted during the sermon because he really didn’t need a lecture tonight because his mental energy was so low already and no amount of prayer kept the feeling of worthlessness away and—

“I hope you feel better, sweetheart,” the gossip said, patting his shoulder before she made her wobbly exit.

_Yeah, I hope so, too_.


	2. Warning

It wasn’t that Kaoru particularly liked school. He appreciated the chance he had to get away from his father and God and everything, but he didn’t love school. He was just good at it. He was smart, and it felt natural, and he felt a little bit like a fake for being so naturally intelligent when everyone else was working so much harder than him. The effort he put in to school was the effort C students put in to school, and yet here he was, third of the class. Behind Keito (who worked _so_ hard that Kaoru suspected his method of working was highly inefficient) and Eichi (who seemed to barely do work or show up to class at all, and Kaoru assumed some strings were being pulled there), Kaoru felt that he had a safe entrance to any university he wanted. Even if his father didn’t think it was good enough.

Nothing was good enough for God, anyway.

Kaoru preferred his after school activities to actual school. He liked being an idol. He liked that people looked at him and wanted him, wanted to be him. He loved how people loved him, even if it was a very strange, detached sort of love that Kaoru only felt in perfume-soaked fan letters and small signs with his face on it that he could only barely make out through all the stage lights.

He used to like Marine Biology Club. He liked it when it was just looking at fish and not doing much else. He liked sitting in the quiet classroom surrounded by the glow of the classroom.  It reminded him of when God was good, when he and his mother visited the aquarium on quiet Sunday afternoons and watched the fish swim.

But then he started to hate it. Because he started to like a certain member. He figured he liked Souma because Souma was hard to get. Souma followed rules and loved traditions and didn’t do anything bad. And Kaoru… Kaoru did everything _wrong_. They were like opposites. Complete opposites. But Kaoru really liked him because when he didn’t have a stick up his ass, he was really cute. He didn’t know much about the world, and it was cute when Kaoru taught him new things. Even if Souma pretended like he didn’t care what “lit” meant, it was adorable to see the gears turning in his head as Kaoru tried his best to explain.

He stopped going. If he wanted to avoid guilt, he _had_ to limit his interaction with Souma as much as possible. He had to fill all the time he would have used going to a club meeting with prayer instead. Every night, he would try to pray his feelings away, and every morning, on the way to his classroom, he would get a little flustered wishing Souma a good morning. Not because he was speaking to him, but because Souma was _so cute_ when he’d turn to wish Kaoru a good morning, realize it was Kaoru, and narrow his eyes and _hmph!_ instead.

Well, he shouldn’t feel too bad about missing meetings. He needed to be fixed, and he didn’t feel bad during unit practice. Sure, his fellow UNDEAD members were gorgeous, but they had to be. They were nearly the top unit.

“I’m here,” Kaoru said, as he walked into the practice room. He still couldn’t shake the feeling from the previous day’s sermon, but he figured it would be best if he busied himself before going home. If he kept his mind busy with new choreography, then it wouldn’t have time to wander. “What’re we doing today?”

Rei smirked as he looked up. “Aren’t you eager?”

Kaoru didn’t answer.

“First, we’ll be cleaning last week’s choreo. We’ll add onto that afterwards, and we’ll try to clean everything thus far if our precious time together hasn’t run out.” Rei’s tongue darted out, licking his lips in a way Kaoru would have thought was sexy if he wasn’t trying his absolute best to be free from sin. “We’ll get started once our little doggie fetches me my tomato juice.”

Kaoru pursed his lips, rolling his eyes and setting his bag down in the back of the room. He went along with Rei’s vampire act, but he didn’t think it was real. Sometimes he thought he could see fangs when Rei spoke,but he figured it was just his mind playing tricks on him. After all, vampires weren’t real. Vampires were ungodly, demonic creatures. Rei was _safe_. Kaoru felt like he could be himself around Rei, so he couldn’t be a… a monster.

Kaoru tried to shake the thought, succeeding when Koga loudly announced his return, holding the tomato juice up into the air.

  


Kaoru took his time changing out of his practice clothes. Prolonging going home was his specialty. He figured his father would be home soon, so if Kaoru took the long way home, he could probably avoid contact until tomorrow morning. That would be good. It would give him enough time to collect himself into some semblance of order. Even if he wasn’t perfect, he could _look_ perfect.

“Is something bothering you?” Rei asked. “I’ve hundreds of years of experience. If you need advice, perhaps I could lend an ear.”

Kaoru shouldered his bag, seeing Rei in the mirror, undoing his ponytail a few feet away. “You’re not a vampire.”

Rei paused, raising an eyebrow. “What makes you say that?”

“I can see you in the mirror,” Kaoru said. “Vampires are known for not being visible in mirrors.”

“It could be an illusion. Vampires are also known for mind control.”

“Okay.” He really didn’t want to try and argue with Rei. Kaoru didn’t care that much, anyway.

“You shouldn’t be so casual about it.” Rei came closer to Kaoru, and Kaoru could have sworn he felt colder. “Vampires are everywhere, Kaoru. They surround you, you know.”

Kaoru shifted around a bit, feeling incredibly uncomfortable with the silence that followed. He couldn’t look away from Rei’s eyes, and he felt like he was being suffocated and he had to leave now or else he might die.

He left without saying goodbye, taking some convoluted way to the school gates to make sure Rei wouldn’t try to follow him or anything. Rei was a good friend. Really. But the vampire thing was so _weird_ , especially today, and Kaoru can’t deal with that sin on top of his usual. Because acceptance is a sin, too.

Kaoru tried to recall that sermon from his mind. The verse it was based around was about being lukewarm—about not being hot and not being cold, so God spits you out. It was really about indifference. Kaoru’s father taught it as God hating those who let others live their lives without calling them out on their sin. That’s what Kaoru was supposed to do. He was supposed to go back and tell Rei to repent or die or something, but all Kaoru wanted to do was go home and try to sort himself out somehow.

He walked home alone. The long way, just like he planned. He’d taken that route so many times that he didn’t even need to think about it anymore. Which was a good thing, really, because he couldn’t focus on anything. All the thoughts swimming around in his mind about Souma and sinning and Rei and vampires were drowning him, and he didn’t even know where he was supposed to begin sorting them out.

He was shaky as he unlocked the front door. The house was completely dark, and every movement echoed as he slipped off his shoes. It was cool and dry, as usual, unlike the early summer twilight. Kaoru took two steps in before he paused.

Listening.

Listening, he heard his father murmuring prayers. Or maybe he was drunk. Or maybe someone from church was over, and they were going over the visitor’s transgressions. Or maybe the visitor was helping him with that week’s sermon. It could have been anything, but Kaoru wasn’t about to stick around long enough to find out.

He made his way upstairs, carefully placing his steps where he knew the floorboards wouldn’t scream. He sighed when he reached the safe carpet of his room, and he started the process of shutting his door. It made a loud creak halfway through, and Kaoru froze, wondering if his brother or sister would hear and rat him out.

Nothing.

He continued the slow pulling and turned the knob just before it closed. He let go of the usual breath he held whenever he did this, and he let his bag fall to the floor. Safe. Safe, safe, safe. His room was the only safe place in this house. He could mess up however much he wanted in his room. God wouldn’t see it. At least it felt that way, like God was looking the other way.

Kaoru spent a while trying to gather himself. He tried to clean up a little, to do his homework, to practice some choreo. He tried to text some girls or go on his social media accounts or anything, _anything_ to get his mind off things.

But eventually he had to give in, to say his prayers and go to bed and be tormented by his problems soaking through to his dream world. He had to deal with the restlessness, with waking up soaked through by sweat, with shaking for thirty minutes after waking up on the off chance someone in this house developed mind control and could see all of his worries.

He didn’t even remember to turn his light off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget! i have [twitter!](twitter.com/mezzosaka)  
> i love... kaoru... so much... he is my son... my precious baby... i want him to be happy but he must Suffer first


	3. Confession

Kaoru was glad to go to church in the evenings sometimes. Church had a different atmosphere on Tuesday evenings than it did on Sunday mornings. All church times had different atmospheres: Sunday mornings, Tuesday evenings, Wednesday evenings, Friday nights, Saturday afternoons… Each week had a theme, but each day felt different. Sunday mornings gave Kaoru the most anxiety, but it was probably because it was the hardest to slip away those days.

But Kaoru sat through the whole sermon again this Tuesday evening. He sat on a pew by himself, yet the hall still felt exceedingly hot. The congregation was typically small during the week—many people cited work or school tiring them out too much to go during the week. Kaoru’s father called them liars and sloths.

Even with the nearly empty hall, he felt like he was suffocating.

School was tough that day. Not because of the work itself, but because Kaoru had hardly slept. There were eyes everywhere he went. He found himself hiding in the bathroom every so often just to get away from it, and he only realized he needed to confess when there were tears streaming down his face and dripping into the toilet.

He ended up standing and hurrying down the aisle. He nearly ran through the empty lobby to get to the back room, where the confessional booth was carefully tucked away. A young boy stood just outside the door, hands clasped in front of him. Probably the attendant.

“Peace be with you. Do you have an appointment?” the boy asked. Definitely the attendant.

“Nope, but I’m going in. Service ends soon anyway.”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He opened the door and walked right in.

It was dark in the confessional booth, yet Kaoru still felt like there was a spotlight on him.

He was getting hot already. He hadn’t said a word— _ nobody  _ had said a word—and he still felt the sweat dripping down his neck. He couldn’t stop clenching his fists, and if he didn’t speak soon, then his throat would be too dry to.

It was a mistake. A trap. He had to go  _ now  _ before anybody saw him, and he could go home, and kneel by his bed, and quietly ask God for forgiveness, and maybe somehow his sins would be forgotten without going through a middleman.

“Peace be with you.”

A chill shot down Kaoru’s spine. There was a curtain between them, but the voice was undoubtedly his father’s.

“P-Peace—” Kaoru swallowed. Dry. “Peace be with you.”

“Our Father spoke it: If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” His father paused. “So, what might be on your mind today?”

“I…” Kaoru trailed off for a moment. His nails were digging into his thighs, but he couldn’t get them to stop no matter what. “Father, I’ve been having terrible thoughts about…”

Silence. Kaoru heard his pulse in his ears. He remembered asking about it once when he was young. He thought it sounded like stomping, and his father told him it was the nuns marching down the hallway to punish all the bad children. He remembered being sent out of the room by his mother, though, but he stuck around. He pressed his ear to the closed door of their bedroom, and then he heard shouting, and then he heard his mother crying, and then an awful sound like she had fell—

“Continue. I am listening, and so is He.”

Right.

“I’ve been having vile thoughts. About guys, y’know? Like I’ve been having the thoughts men have about women, but I’m a man having them about other men.” That was the closest he could get. If he tried to explain it any further, he’d probably die. If it’d only been anyone else but his father. If it’d only been one of the pastors or maybe one of those marching nuns.

If it’d only been his mother.

As he finished his sentence, Kaoru heard his father take a sharp breath. He felt liquid running down the side of his thigh, and he couldn’t tell if it was sweat or blood. He finally tore his hands away from his legs and clenched his fists again instead. The sharp pain on his palms was more familiar, at least.

“How long has this been going on?” With barely a second’s passing, his father repeated himself. “How long, boy?”

“I don’t know!” Kaoru was squirming now. It was really hot, and he really couldn’t stand being yelled at, and he wished the confessional booth were in a more open part of the church so someone would stop all of this. “I-I don’t know! It just started happening one day, alright?! I didn’t know! I thought it was normal, but then this week’s sermon—” Kaoru was cut off by a sob. He didn’t even realize he’d started crying. “Is God gonna forgive me? Please. Please!”

“No amount of repentance will get you forgiven.” Kaoru’s father was seething. He ripped open the curtain and grabbed Kaoru by the collar. “Listen to me! You can repent all you want, but homosexuality is worse than murder. You hear me? God would rather you kill ten men than disrupt the natural order of things. No matter how much you repent, you’ll live a miserable life until your soul parts from your wretched body and flies into Hell!”

The next thing Kaoru knew, he was hitting his head against the wood on his side of the confessional booth. His father threw the curtain closed and stepped out.

He waited until the door closed to move. He wasn’t hurt too bad. The back of his head had a very dull pain, and the crescent marks on his palms were surprisingly not bleeding. He just had to check on the nail marks on his thighs and contain the damage from there.

It’d be okay. He was used to it. He always thought he got that sort of doublethink from his mother—the weakness of being an easy target with the simultaneous strength of somehow pushing through.

Kaoru slowly got up and slid out of the booth. He fixed his shirt collar, tucked the whole thing back in, and straightened out his blazer before he walked toward the door. The young boy was there again, meekly looking down when Kaoru exited.

“I heard—” the boy started.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“But—”

“I said don’t worry.” Kaoru tried to soften it with a smile, but he probably didn’t look too convincing with tear marks on his face. “Don’t worry, okay? Just be a good kid, and do what you’re told, and don’t worry.”

The boy nodded, and Kaoru left through the back entrance. The back entrance allowed him to walk less popular streets, which was probably a better way of getting home considering how terrible he looked. After all, it was ugly for men to cry. Or maybe it was just ugly for Kaoru to cry.

Eventually, he emerged onto a more main road. It wasn’t too crowded; rush hour had ended at least a half hour ago. Dusk was quickly approaching, but Kaoru didn’t really care whether or not he walked home in the dark. Maybe if he walked around in the middle of the night and got killed, it would be better than living the life he had.

And maybe it would be easy to get caught outside in the dark, as he just found himself a distraction.

“Good evening, Souma-kun!” Kaoru had sped up to catch up with him, silently hoping it was getting just dark enough that his ugly post-crying face would be hardly noticeable.

“Good—” Souma glanced at Kaoru and immediately shook his head. “No! No, Hakaze-dono. I hardly would like to exchange pleasantries with you at school, so what makes you believe I would like to do it now?”

It made Kaoru laugh. A shallow, forced laugh because he  _ wanted  _ to feel happy but just couldn’t. “I’m better outside of school. I promise! Maybe if you fell for my unending charm, you would know that.”

“You shouldn’t be here. Not with me or right now. Or ever!” Souma added the last part like an afterthought. “It’s nearly dark. Don’t you have better things to do? Don’t you have a woman to bring home or something?”

“Maybe I should bring  _ you _ home. So rowdy!”

No. He shouldn’t be doing that. He really shouldn’t. Sinning after just confessing was… Well, still a sin, and probably not any more weighty than the sin committed. But you shouldn’t do it. It was no better than making a show of your faith and then not practicing it outside of church.

Souma glanced around before his narrow gaze settled on Kaoru. “I will let that slide for now because really I should be the one taking you home. Do you not know how dangerous it is to be here at night? You foolish man!”

“I can defend myself, Souma-kun. Besides,” Kaoru said, patting Souma’s head, “you’re so much smaller than me! How are you gonna defend me?”

Souma brushed Kaoru’s hand away. “I am not too much smaller than you. What I lack in height I make up for in honor.”

_ So lame. Cute, but so lame. _

“Besides, I also have this sword. You, I believe are unarmed.” Souma crossed his arms. He looked a bit pleased with himself, like he won a battle Kaoru didn’t know they were having. “Now, begin your journey home. I will accompany you.”

“Don’t you hate me, though?” As he started walking, all Kaoru could think of was the pain waiting for him at home. With his luck, his father had already told his brother and sister. His sister wasn’t too bad, but his brother essentially was his father’s double. “Why do you care if I get home safe?”

“As much as I do hate you, there are…” Souma looked around again with that same suspicious gaze. “There are unsavory criminals lurking around this area of town in particular.”

“Then why were you here?” Kaoru asked. A brief image flashed in his mind of Souma as a vigilante, dressed in some sort of ancient get-up that was most likely highly impractical and/or made sloppily by his mother in a hurry.

“Irrelevant. No further questions.”

The two walked rather quietly after that. Kaoru put his hands in his pockets and wished Souma would say something. He wished that Souma would have noticed the look on Kaoru’s face. He wished Souma wouldn’t have to leave once they reached Kaoru’s doorstep.

“Did you have a good day at school?” Kaoru asked hopefully about halfway through the trip. If he let himself stay quiet, he would break before his house was even visible. He didn’t want to trouble Souma, no matter how much he wanted him to notice something.

“Oh, yes! It was—” Souma huffed. “We are not friends. I may be doing this for you, but let it be clear that we are not friends.”

“Just because we aren’t friends doesn’t mean you can’t tell me how your day went.” Kaoru laughed again. Fake again. Lying again.

“Well, it was fine.”

“C’mon, you can give me more than that!”

“I was glad not to run into you during the day today.”

“ _ Souma _ .”

“Fine!” Souma rolled his eyes. “I had a productive day today. Shinkai-dono led a very efficient meeting—which you’d have known if you’d been there—so I was able to get to my practice room early. Thus, we finished practice up early, so I stood behind shortly to assist Hasumi-dono with a few things. I feel fulfilled.”

“I’m glad your day went well,” Kaoru said, and he felt a bit absent. Like he was watching this happen through the eyes of God or something. But he really meant it.

“I feel as if you are waiting for me to ask you the same,” Souma said. The way he said it almost sounded like a question. It almost sounded like he wanted to know.

Kaoru hesitated. “If you want.”

“I have no desire to know.”

And the journey went back to silence. They reached Kaoru’s house, finally, and Souma watched him unlock the door from the sidewalk. He didn’t even say goodbye as he walked back the way he came, and Kaoru wished they’d had a longer conversation. Or that they took a detour. Or that Kaoru said the wrong thing and Souma killed him on the spot.

The only light on was in the kitchen. Kaoru bypassed it, walking up the steps. The door to his father’s room was open, and his father sat at the chair that used to belong to Kaoru’s mother. He looked like he was praying.

Kaoru passed his brother, who gave him nothing but a dirty look, before he finally reached his room. He closed the door, not even bothering to be quiet.

His room was empty. Completely empty. Only his mattress remained, with his Bible on top of it.

“If God decides to cure you of this disease, you may gain your belongings back.” Kaoru jumped at the sound of his father on the other side of the door, just behind him. “I was just in conference with Him, and He has decided that I must enact the worst punishments on you in order for you to even begin to be cured.”

“I…”

Kaoru didn’t realize he had actually caused his palms to start bleeding again.

“I understand.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soooouuumaaaaa iiiiii looooooove yoooooooou  
> hey, have ny'all seen the new kaoru card? i'm not saying he's getting married to souma; i'm just saying that it hasn't been DENIED that he's marrying souma.  
> [twitter](twitter.com/mezzosaka)


	4. Melancholy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not sure if kaoru knows how much i love him considering i'm so fuckin terrible to him all the time.

He lasted a week.

Kaoru lasted a whole week pretending everything was normal, pretending that it was  _ okay  _ that he was stripped of nearly all his belongings. He tried his normal routine of leaving school as soon as it ended, since there was always time before UNDEAD’s practices, and meeting up with some friends or maybe a girl or usually going to the church and helping with odds and ends and returning for practice and going home or going to church again, depending on whether or not there was a service that night.

But it wasn’t working. It didn’t matter how much he tried to make it work; he couldn’t help but feel filled with anger every time he saw his father’s face. And he knew  _ that  _ was a sin—Exodus 20:12, beaten into him before Kaoru could even fully grasp the concept of God. So he figured that the only way to fix it, or the only way to fix anything, was to isolate himself from the problem. Easy. It was supposed to be easy. Ignore it, and it will go away. Eventually. Even if it’s a club you actually enjoy but you haven’t been for months because you can’t stop flirting with one member, and—

And Kaoru decided to just stay at school during the gap between the end of the last class and the beginning of UNDEAD’s practice. Because his father probably didn’t miss him  _ or  _ his help. His father probably didn’t even notice he was gone at all. Kaoru’s absence was so strongly preferred almost  _ everywhere _ he went, and he decided that was a dangerous thought and he needed to shut it down before everything got so much worse.

It had been fine at first. Almost relaxing. He could sit outside in the sun and do his homework. Or sometimes he wouldn’t, and he’d just enjoy the fresh air and occasionally he’d talk to one of his friends—usually Izumi or Chiaki—while he patiently waited for practice to start. It felt nice to pretend to have nothing to do. To brainwash yourself into thinking that everything was okay. He liked sitting on the benches outside while the wind tousled his hair, having short conversations with the girls from Yumenosaki’s regular courses as they walked by. But eventually it got old, and the girls stopped being charmed by him, and Chiaki started pestering him about  _ responsibility  _ and  _ courage  _ and all those other buzzwords Kaoru wasn’t sure were real.

So Kaoru stopped sitting outside and started bothering Rei’s club. Which lasted exactly two meetings before Koga got irritated at him. And it wasn’t like Kaoru couldn’t handle Koga, because he could, but he really wasn’t feeling up to play arguing with him when he was just trying to get his mind off of things.

He didn’t know when he realized he was just prolonging the inevitable. He just knew that he was standing awkwardly in front of the door to  _ his  _ clubroom, and he felt a little unwell, and he could either walk in or go home.

Kaoru turned the handle.

It was just how he’d left it. Dark, with a soft blue glow. The desks haphazardly pushed together in an attempt to make bigger tables for the tanks. Kaoru’s favorite fish—some little guy who was somehow surviving in a tank full of predators—still keeping on. Chemicals and food containers and extra water filter parts arranged neatly under the desks, probably by Souma on a day there was nothing else to do. Faded posters of the ocean and little informational tidbits plastered the walls, and they looked like they’d been there for ages, but Kaoru remembered the hot summer day last year where they opened the windows and sweat as they taped them up. 

A little lonely now. 

He didn’t know why he thought it would have changed, but he felt relieved to see Kanata dutifully taking care of the fish with Souma on his tail, watching.

Kaoru used to tease him for it. For watching so intently. He thought maybe it was because he felt guilty that he had to leave Souma all alone next year.

Both of them turned towards him when he opened the door, casting a bit more light in the room. He stepped in and slowly closed it behind him. Like a stranger.

Not one word was said. The tanks whirred and bubbled as they did. Kaoru felt like  _ he  _ was in one of those tanks. Like his feet were starting to sink in the rainbow pebbles, and the water was starting to rise, and Kanata and Souma could only watch with wide eyes.

“Welcome home,” Kanata said, and he blinked once before turning back to the tanks.

“Why are you here?” Souma asked. His tone sounded a bit wary, but he was standing there. Innocently, arms at his side, sword placed on the one free desk in the room. The one free desk where they would all crowd around together during meetings.

“I needed to be responsible,” Kaoru said, even though he told himself he wasn’t going to listen to Chiaki. “Sorry I haven’t been.”

Souma narrowed his eyes. “An apology? From  _ you _ ? I—”

“Come ‘help.’” Kanata’s voice was soft and welcoming, like it always was. It was silly, but it reminded Kaoru a little bit of how his mother used to talk to him. When things were good. “The ‘two’ of you.”

“Of course, Shinkai-dono!” Souma said, at the same time Kaoru gave a nonchalant “sure.”

It was strange to be back in the club. He expected someone to yell at him. He expected a disapproving look from Kanata or maybe Souma full on telling him to leave. But instead things just went on as normal. As they used to. And Kaoru felt like he was just going through the motions. He felt like he wasn’t even there, like he was watching himself pour the fish food into little cups and screw the caps back on and lift each tank cover. It didn’t feel  _ real _ .

“Meeting ‘adjourned.’” Kanata smiled as they fed the last fish. “It’s ‘practice time’ for me.”

Kaoru nodded and waved as Kanata left. He blinked a few times and shook his head and really tried to get the weird faraway feeling gone.

“Are you okay?” Souma asked, carefully, like he was afraid of the answer.

“I’m all better, now that you’re talking to me,” Kaoru said, also carefully, like he was afraid of God hearing him while at the same time hoping it would be true.

“Incorrigible!” Souma scoffed, replacing his sword on his hip.

“Ooh, you learn that from Hasumi-kun?” Kaoru was really trying to inject some of his usual charm back into his words, but everything fell so flat. He moved towards the door, but Souma stopped in front of him.

“There is something wrong with you. There truly is something wrong.” He crossed his arms. “I am not going to ask because I do not wish to know, but—”

“If you don’t care, then why are you still talking to me?”

“I,” Souma said, eyes trained on their shoes, “never said I did not care.”

There was something about that phrase that helped Kaoru’s feeling dissipate a little. Not enough to feel fine again, but enough to at least feel like he could breathe. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Souma, off the bangs falling in front of his face or the slow, controlled rise and fall of his chest or his hands hanging at his sides but seeming like they were searching for something to do.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Kaoru lied. He set his hand on Souma’s shoulder, and Souma tensed up. Even so, he allowed Kaoru to gently push him to the side, away from the door.

Kaoru held the door open for Souma as he left, and he was about to turn the corner of the hallway when he heard Souma’s short call of, “Hakaze-dono!”

He turned.

Souma stood, looking like not even he had expected this turn of events. “If it’s dark out when you’ve finished your practice, do not walk home alone.”

Kaoru nodded, but he didn’t really understand. “Thanks.”

With that, he headed to practice.

 

“Did something happen?” Rei asked, shortly after insisting Koga and Adonis go on ahead without him and Kaoru. “Today? Or perhaps last night?”

Kaoru pursed his lips. He felt stupid. He really didn’t want to talk to Rei after messing up so often during their short practice. He knew Rei wouldn’t scold him, but he couldn’t shake his feeling even when he put all of his focus into dancing. Even without anything else in his head, he felt like he was watching some sort of puppet in the mirror.

“I went to Marine Bio today,” he settled on saying. Even Rei would probably think his feeling is strange.

Rei raised an eyebrow. “That’s all?”

For a moment, Kaoru felt like maybe he could do it. Like maybe he could tell Rei about how he slept cold every night and how his siblings wouldn’t talk to him and how his dad had taken a liking to giving him a swift hit to the back of the head when he looked the wrong way or came home a minute too late or forgot to bow his head and now he started to get headaches from it.

He nodded. “That’s all.”

Rei moved closer to him. “You haven’t been well.”

Kaoru took a step back. “I’m fine.”

“You shouldn’t lie.”

Kaoru hated it. He hated how Rei could corner him like that and still, somehow, make him feel comfortable enough to say anything. He hated that even if he did tell Rei everything, there was nothing the other boy could do. There was nothing anyone could do. Kaoru just had to suffer until he was old enough to move out, and he hated it.

“Souma talked to me,” Kaoru said, sighing a little like he was admitting something. Rei’s posture eased up, and Kaoru almost  _ did  _ sigh in relief. “For once, he wasn’t calling me a disgrace.”

“I see.” Rei stared at Kaoru for a moment longer before returning to his bag, beginning to pack up his things again. “And how was that?”

“I felt…”

_ Nothing. I couldn’t feel anything. _

“A little weirded out, but it was kinda nice. He told me not to walk home by myself if it was dark out.”

Rei paused. “He told you that?”

“Right?” Kaoru was standing in the doorway now. “I think I can take care of myself. But I guess it was nice of him to say that.”

“You should go home quickly.” Rei seemed a little frustrated all of a sudden, and he began unpacking his bag. “I think I’ve forgotten something, so you should go on ahead.”

Kaoru stood for a moment longer, only leaving when Rei looked back up at him.

The sun was setting when he left. It was surprisingly cool out. Slightly sticky, but cool, and Kaoru thought the weather was comfortable enough to take a nice stroll home. It was a little weird, he thought, that both Souma and Rei had warned him about his way home, but he didn’t want to think much of it. Or maybe he just didn’t care—if he was going to die, then he was going to die.

How morbid.

Souma was lingering around the school gate. Some of his hair was falling out of his ponytail, and he was wiping his mouth. Kaoru slowed, wondering if Souma would start walking before he get there, but even when Kaoru stopped for a full two minutes, Souma didn’t budge. He just kept wiping his mouth.

“Are, uh. Are you okay?” Kaoru asked. Their eyes met, and Kaoru felt like his mood was really starting to dissolve. He felt like he could see Souma’s eyes clearly.

Souma yanked his blazer sleeve down. He must have been using his normal shirt sleeve for his mouth. “I threw up.”

Kaoru glanced down at Souma’s lips. They were a bit red, but Kaoru supposed it was because of all the rubbing. Souma’s cheeks were tinted pink.

“That sucks.”

“I’m feeling okay now.” Souma looked up at the sky, then back at Kaoru. “It’s getting dark, so I… I feel as if it would be right of me to walk home with you.”

Kaoru laughed a little, pushing his hands into his pockets as he started to walk. “You really don’t have to. I’ll be good by myself. I promise!”

“I want to enjoy some fresh air for a little longer than it takes for me to walk home.” Souma added quickly, “Because I threw up.”

“But then you’ll be walking home by yourself,” Kaoru pointed out. They turned the corner. Kaoru’s neighborhood was just a few streets down from the school. Truly a shame.

“It will be fine if it is just me. They won’t touch me.”

Kaoru stopped. “Who?”

“Keep walking,” Souma said, and he did. “I do, in fact, carry my sword with me at all times.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“Don’t ask any more questions about it.”

Somehow, even with all of the questions swimming around in his mind, Kaoru couldn’t get any of them out. It felt like every word died just before reaching the tip of his tongue, and he could hardly say anything until they reached Kaoru’s house.

“This is where you live?” Souma asked.

“Yeah, just like last time.”

“Right.” Souma nodded. “Well, go inside.”

“Goodnight to you, too.”

Kaoru unlocked his door, then glanced back to see if Souma was still there. He was, looking like he was just getting up. Kaoru could have sworn he saw the glint of something against the sidewalk. But maybe it was just the setting sun making the pavement glimmer.

“Goodnight,” Souma said as Kaoru closed the door, and he almost didn’t catch it.

 

The ringing in his ears. The feeling of blood drying from scratches he had caused himself. The unbearable chill as he curled up on the bare mattress. The complete and utter darkness. The windows wide open, having been stripped of blinds and curtains, making him feel all the more vulnerable. The headache that was probably going to turn into a migraine overnight. The words of his father playing over and over again: You are an abomination, Leviticus 18:22, Kaoru, God didn’t intend for you to be this way, who was that boy you were with, you are an abomination.

Kaoru just wanted some fucking rest.

But sleep wouldn’t come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my sweet baby boy......... rest will come........ i love you........... i know it doesn't seem like i love you but soon enough you will get the fucking Break you deserve...............
> 
> here's my [twitter](twitter.com/mezzosaka) if you haven't gleaned it from the past chapters already


	5. Golden Hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kaoru catches a little bit of a break

The club fell back into routine like sweet honey.

Once Kanata and Souma realized Kaoru’s attendance would be a bit more regular, meetings got a lot less stiff. Even Kaoru started to feel comfortable enough again to slack off, which was a bit strange considering he was using the club to slack off from his church duties, but he didn’t want to think about that. He just wanted to be content drifting away from club duties and crouching in front of the tanks to watch the fish swim back and forth or their one turtle bathe under its light. Kanata’s gentle scolding became a little bit more welcome, and Kaoru had no problem going back to whatever they were doing.

There were some meetings where they did nothing, too. Where they crowded around the free desk and talked a little bit about the water temperature for tropical fish before the conversation inevitably slipped into something more casual, and Kaoru’s one goal was to make Souma laugh. He used to try to make both of them laugh, but Kanata’s laugh was hard to get, so he counted that rare feat as bonus points.

Meetings started to relax Kaoru more than anything. He could predict pretty well what would happen each day, and it was so _comfortable_ knowing what to expect. Even if he couldn’t do it anywhere else, just having some semblance of control over this small area of his life was enough. It was more than enough, more than Kaoru even felt he deserved.

But it was nice. He felt _good_.

“Today’s order of business,” Kaoru said solemnly, folding his hands on his lap as if he had any sort of authority. “Whipped cream on pancakes. Good or no go? How much is too much? Please discuss.”

“Don’t care for it,” Kanata said.

“Fair.”

Kanata’s answers were always perfectly concise. He always thought for a short amount of time before giving a straight answer. Kaoru liked it; he hated all the unnecessary fluff people tended to put around their opinions. He overheard that type of stuff all the time, from the harmless “I don’t want to be fussy or anything, and I truly am a devoted follower, but I truly can’t stand the bread they use for communion” to the significantly less harmless “It’s not that you’ve become less beautiful or anything, I just don’t love you anymore.”

But with Kanata? He could answer anything in a single sentence. He usually did.

“Hm…” Souma put his hand to his chin. His answers were always complex no matter how simple the question. He seemed to think about it a bit too much each time. Even when Kaoru asked something like which bit of homework he should work on first, Souma always asked for how long everything was, which was Kaoru’s best subject, which class came first in the day. He was surprisingly analytical for someone who seemed to always act on impulse.

Kaoru supposed he _himself_ was like that, too.

“I can see how it would be appealing,” Souma said, looking up. “A mountain of sugar atop something that is usually paired with sugar. However, I believe whipped cream would melt too fast to be practical. Syrup is a much better option.”

Kaoru leaned forward. “Good answer, Souma-kyun, but I present to you a possible gamechanger: What if there’s both syrup _and_ whipped cream?”

Souma got that thinking look again. “That is too much sugar for anyone to possibly be able to enjoy.”

“ _I_ enjoy it.”

“I suppose with both there, the real question is where the syrup is placed. If there is syrup evenly dispersed amongst the stack, then whipped cream on top seems reasonable, considering any loss due to the melting would be made up for with the syrup. But if, for some horrid reason, there is no uniformity with the syrup placement and everything is piled on top, I would say the whipped cream is a ‘no go,’ and I would also strongly advise you to never go to that restaurant again,” Souma decided. “Obviously, they do not know how to make pancakes well.”

Kaoru laughed. A really nice-feeling, full laugh that he hadn’t felt in ages. “A fantastic answer! Can we have a round of applause?”

Kanata and Kaoru both clapped, while Souma rolled his eyes.

But he liked it. Kaoru could tell.

 

Rei warily looked Kaoru up and down as Kaoru entered the Light Music Club room.

“No Marine Bio today?”

“Souma wasn’t there, so I figured it wasn’t that important.”

“You’re getting awfully close to him.”

Kaoru shrugged, easing into a chair. “I’ll join your club for a day.”

 

Kaoru couldn’t really predict when Souma would walk home with him and when he wouldn’t. At first, he thought it was only on Tuesdays and Fridays, but that pattern was quickly ruined. Occasionally there would be a week where Souma wouldn’t walk with him at all, or a week where Souma walked with him every day, and it really was just confusing.

Their walks were still a little awkward at first. A little shallow. Kaoru would make his casual jabs at Souma to rile him up into conversation, and Souma would _always_ take the bait until he realized he’d lost, and they’d continue in silence. Kaoru wouldn’t have minded the silence if it weren’t for the fact that Souma stood on his sidewalk and watched him go all the way inside; _that_ was weird.

Well, there were a lot of weird things about Souma. Kaoru only began to notice it as the walks grew less stiff.

Souma would almost always be wiping his face like he had something on it. Always. Every walk. And he wouldn’t stop unless Kaoru told him there was nothing on his face, and Souma always told him to mind his own business in response. Kaoru assumed maybe it was a nervous tic Souma was self-conscious about. That would make the most sense.

And Souma was always so _shifty_ during their walks. He was always looking around, looking behind them, making Kaoru _actually_ look both ways before crossing the street. It was like Kaoru was some damsel or something. Like he was trying to protect Kaoru even though the only _real_ danger lied in their destination. But Kaoru didn’t mention it; he figured it gave Souma some strange sort of self-satisfaction.

And the writing! The writing on the sidewalk. Kaoru had _definitely_ seen him write. He was sure it was just his mind playing tricks on him, but one time he glanced back while walking to his door, and he very clearly saw Souma writing with chalk. So Kaoru stood inside and waited, and as soon as Souma was far enough away, he ran back outside to try and read what Souma had written.

 _Nothing_. Every time, it was nothing, and Kaoru just wanted to know what he was actually seeing.

 

“I’m just saying you should be careful,” Rei insisted, once more.

“You make it sound like he’s dangerous.” Kaoru crossed his arms, straightening up from his leaning against the doorframe. “Souma. You make _Souma_ sound dangerous. Have you even met him?”

Rei’s gaze didn’t waver. “Have you?”

 

Kaoru couldn’t remember the last time he was at a meeting without Kanata.

But it was fine, just staying with Souma. He liked Souma—whether it was godly or not, he _liked_ Souma. Taking everything away from him, forcing him into extra hours past the Sunday services, attempting to slap the feelings out of him… Nothing was changing the fact that Kaoru liked Souma. Maybe it was part of God’s plan.

Maybe it was, so Kaoru was going to embrace it.

He liked watching the afternoons melt into evening in the clubroom. Kanata didn’t like the curtains opened, so Kaoru mostly watched it through the little beams of light that slipped out of the bottoms. But… But since Kanata wasn’t there…

Kaoru strode across the room, pulling the curtains open with as much grandeur as he could muster. He set his hands on his hips as he turned around to look at Souma.

“I opened the—” Kaoru was cut off, surprised by how close Souma had suddenly gotten to him. “The curtains.”

Souma looked up at Kaoru, washed in gold with the late afternoon light. His eyes shone, Kaoru finding a new depth to them he’d never seen before. They were purple, but they were _more_ , too. His skin was so bright, so soft-looking, and his hair seemed to glimmer, and Kaoru found himself gently tucking a strand behind Souma’s ear.

“What are you…” Souma breathed. He glanced away from Kaoru’s eyes for a moment, down at his lips or maybe his chin or his chest. Their eyes met again. Souma stepped back.

“Sorry.” Kaoru let his hand fall.

“It’s okay,” Souma said, and his voice was small, and Kaoru wondered how badly he messed things up.

 

“Just drop it! Okay? Drop it.” Kaoru turned to leave. “Why do you care?”

“It’s dangerous! Can’t you just trust me?” Rei grabbed him by the shoulder, turning him back around. “Souma is dangerous. I know how you feel about him, but I can’t let you continue seeing him.”

Kaoru shrugged off Rei’s hand. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“I certainly can. I just prefer not to use mind control—”

“Enough of the vampire shit! I’m tired of it. I’m tired!”

Kaoru started walking away for real this time, and he didn’t stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [twitter](twitter.com/mezzosaka)

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!!! this is the first time i've written something a little dark!! but it feels oddly refreshing. after being in some sort of situation like this for a good... 7? 8? years of my life, it's nice to vent my frustrations a little bit lol
> 
> please bear with me as i venture through my first chaptered fic!!!! don't forget, you can find me on [twitter!](twitter.com/mezzosaka)


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